Mistakes. We all makes them. Sometimes it's the getting the wrong answer on an assignment. Sometimes it's shooting the soccer ball in the wrong goal. Sometimes it's using an unkind tone toward someone you love. Sometimes its losing complete control and lashing out with aggression. We are human and we are learning.
As a behavior specialist, my focus is always on teaching students that it is ok to make a mistake, but when we do, we must not only own it and learn from it, but also make restitution. Of course this applies to adults too. In professional development I am always preaching that sometimes it will be us grown ups that make the wrong call. It will be our fault that a student is triggered or goes into crisis behavior. And when it is, it's critical that we practice what we teach and WE own it.
Suffice it to say, it doesn't make those moments when we mess up easy, or any less humbling - especially when it's your 6 year old that calls you out....
A few weeks ago, my 3 year old son asked my 6 year old daughter to have a sleepover. My daughter respectfully declined his offer, which immediately made him sad. I encouraged her to rethink his invitation and told her "how happy" it would make him. Being the kind-hearted soul and people-pleaser that she is, she decided to accept. He was overjoyed and away they went to his room for their slumber party. Whew...safely avoided any bedtime meltdowns and could finally sit down, enjoy a glass of wine, and watch the finale of Ozark. #MomWin
Fast forward 10 minutes and cue the crying coming from above. What could possibly have gone wrong? I reluctantly set down my wine and made my way up the stairs to investigate, only to find out she had changed her mind and no longer wanted to sleep with him, remembering how loudly he snores. Naturally, he was devastated and in turn she was crushed about the devastation she had created. Through heavy sobs, she just kept saying, "I feel like I am just a bad sister."
Great, a teachable moment, I live for these! "You are not a bad sister at all, you are a great sister. He just doesn't understand why you changed your mind after you initially said yes, so he feels confused and maybe hurt. Next time, if you don't want to sleep with him you should just say "no" upfront so he doesn't get excited and then feel let down when you change your mind."
There. That wasn't too bad. She was no longer crying, I was feeling like a great mom for calmly supporting her through her emotions and still finding a way to teach a lesson, it seemed to have all worked out - and then she shared her response...
In the most calm and quiet voice, my sweet 6 year old said, "Mom, I DID say "no" upfront. You are the one who told me I should do it even though I didn't want to because it would make him happy. It feels like you protect his feelings and not mine." #MicDrop
Holy crap. She was totally right! This whole incident was all my fault. It was like a sucker punch to the gut as I realized I was the one responsible for the hurt both my children were experiencing. Time to put my preaching into action - time to own it and right my wrong.
For the next several minutes, I took time to not only validate my daughter's feelings, but also tell her how incredibly right she was. It was ME who talked her into doing the sleepover, failing to respect her initial wishes. It was ME who was responsible for the sadness my son was feeling because it was ME who put her in the unfair situation where she had to choose between her own happiness or his. It was all ME.
After telling her how very sorry I was, I also told her how very proud I was of her. The courage it must have taken to respectfully call me out on my mistake and share her feelings in that moment had to be immense, but I love that she was brave enough to take the risk. I love that she was confident enough to stand up for herself and articulately express her thoughts. And more than anything, I LOVE that she gave me the opportunity to say "I'm sorry" and to show her that I make mistakes too.
So next time you are in that moment and feeling so ashamed that you were the one who messed up, give yourself grace. Remind yourself that you are human and simply take it as an opportunity to model for your students what it looks like to own your mistakes and make restitution. I promise it will be one of the most meaningful teaching opportunities you could have. #AdultsMakeMistakesToo